So I'm not perfect.
Really. I'm not. In any sense of the word.
And apparently, my imperfections led to my child feeling as though I expect him to be perfect....which makes me sad. Which got me to thinking....and that's never a good thing. (Well, okay, sometimes it is, but on days like today? It's not. Because then I beat myself up for the next few hours, and come out pretty bruised and battered.)
You see....I KNOW that we as humans cannot be perfect. And....I know that it is only God's grace that allows me to be forgiven and precious to Him. Yet there's just that constant drive, that push that causes me to try, and yet I constantly fail.
Now, try to tell my husband that I am a perfectionist, and he would laugh your socks off.....because as we have all seen in the "reality" picture, my house does not reflect the characteristics of one belonging to a perfectionist. But you see.....I am a "frustrated perfectionist"....or so that's what someone once told me.
I look around, see the mounds of laundry, the piles of papers from school, the clutter, and I feel defeated in my attempts to somehow get it all done....and have it look nice all the time. Or I hear myself yelling at one of my kids, or I look in the mirror and see my very imperfect body, and I crucify myself.....in my head. I think, "WHY for the love of God, can you not just lose this weight, or why can't you just speak in a nice, calm, loving tone to your children instead of sounding like a drill instructor?"
I see the things that need to be done, or changed, but yet I feel overwhelmed, and can't seem to do any of them completely, so therefore sometimes it takes me a while to even get started because I don't want it to be done if I can't do it just right.
The demands of being a mom and wife are so much more involved then what people can see on the surface. Sure....there's the obvious. They all need clean clothes, food, clean dishes, help with homework. But what about what goes on in our minds? I feel like an octopus......trying to take care of things, and keep it all straight....
Then you factor in your heart, and it just all gets crazy. So proud of the young woman that I see my oldest daughter becoming, yet in disbelief that it's really time to make decisions about college and her future.
I'm hoping for a better "rest of the day". I'm hoping that God will continue to remind me of His grace so that I can extend it to my children.
And....oh great. Youngest child just came running in the door with the older one right behind him yelling, "it was an accident!!". Football in the front yard, just resulted in a lost tooth for Jack. And while he is so proud to finally have lost it, his mama is sitting here in a puddle of tears, because today was suppose to get better, and instead I have been reminded that my "baby" is not really a baby at all.
Being a mom is really hard sometimes. I'm just sayin'.